Either the trash took itself out or you finally realized what a useless jerk your ex-husband was and finally decided enough was enough, congratulations! You are definitely walking through one of the crossroads of your life. And like most crossroads, it is dark and uncertain.
You would wallow in pain, this I am sure of. For the next few weeks, months or even years, you would feel that pierce in your heart from betrayal. You would question your every decision. At some point you would doubt yourself. But you know what? No matter how long it takes, the pain would ease out.
At some point, you would consider walking away and letting go one of the best decisions you have ever made in your life.
You would fear for yourself and for your children. You would begin to think of all the ‘male’ roles you knew you would have trouble filling in. You would feel the absence of a husband and father in your life when you begin carrying those heavy bags of groceries on your own and start picking up the hammer to try to fix anything that broke in your house.
You would probably be in tears while feeling your sore muscles or during a frantic state of not knowing how to fix things. But your muscles would be stronger. Your body would adjust. You would learn to figure things out.
You would dread the questions your children would ask, and they would indeed ask. You could either lie, tell the truth or refuse to give an answer. Their questions might unintentionally hurt you. But you know what? As they grow older, they would understand. You would fear that they would grow up different but they would be just fine, probably more courageous and understanding than regular kids.
You would feel that pang of envy each time you see a complete family walking in the park, attending school events or going to church. You would feel the pressing need to find a substitute, marry or be in a relationship with someone to complete your family. You would sometimes fail to see that your big heart is all it takes to complete your own family.
You would feel lonely, most of the time if not every night. You would find yourself looking for someone because you feel incomplete. You might even beg for it and act desperate for it. You would go through a period in your newly singled life wherein you would feel less worthy, that it would be okay for men to take you for granted because you are a ‘damaged product’. Don’t worry, it would not take you too long to realize that you are every bit worthy; that a strong and loving woman like you is so worth it.
In the end, you would be wise enough to end up with a man who loves you deeply and truly. Or if not, you would realize that you never really needed one anyway.
People would lecture you about parenting. They would judge you, criticize you and most of the time, it would not be pretty. It would hurt you, make you defensive. But you would have to learn to differentiate between criticisms that are meant to teach you and those which do not aim anything else but to put you down. It is a tricky skill, but you will master it.
You might not be okay now, and probably you would not be okay most of the time. You would feel tired, depressed, frustrated and a lot more. However, at the end of the day, when those children lay peacefully to sleep, you would be filled with an overwhelming contentment.
It is like fuel that would keep you going. When your children smile at you, kiss and hug you during any time of the day, it would be enough to wipe the sadness in your heart. Their little achievements in life would assure you that you are doing a good job.
Brace yourself, hold on and just keep going. This would be one rocky journey, but I have no single doubt that you will make it!
About the author: Jam Casadores is a former contributor for Bayanihan News Australia and currently a part-time blogger/writer for different websites. She also teach English to Korean and Chinese students online.
